Putting glitter and confetti inside greetings cards officially recognised as a hate crime

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The law has finally acknowledged the truly heinous nature of sending ‘fun’ greetings cards filled with annoying glitter or confetti.

Controversial new legislation has classified the act of putting any sort of loose, sparkly sprinkles in cards as a hate crime.

“The term ‘Hate Crime’ normally refers to behaviours which target a victim because of their membership of a particular social group or race,” explained Professor of Card Law Simon Williams.

“However, in this case, the law has deemed that group simply to be ‘people who receive greetings cards’ – such is the level of wickedness that top judges are aiming to punish.

“So-called ‘glitter bombs’ can be intended as ‘jokes’ or they can be misguided attempts to inject a frisson of frivolity into the otherwise mundane act of opening a Christmas or birthday card.

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“It’s important to realise that this new law does not distinguish between these motives – if you send the recipient scrambling for the Hoover, then you are guilty of a hate crime.

“Of course, glitter has long been associated with the more unsavoury elements of society. If you visit any prison in the UK you’ll probably notice that several inmates have little grains of glitter sparkling on their face just below the eyes – these represent the number of people they’ve infuriated by sending cards laced with a thimbleful of glitter.

“Hopefully this new law will stem the glitter tide and restore some joy to people’s celebrations.”

It should be noted that glitter will still be available to purchase for personal use, although it will now be an age-restricted product.