Government confirms over 60s can use golliwogs as voter ID

Despite claims of vote rigging, the government has pushed ahead with controversial voter ID plans that would allow elderly citizens to enter polling stations upon presentation of a blatantly racist doll alongside a dubious claim that it was a key part of their childhood.

Simon WIlliams MP, Minister for Stopping Young People Voting, denied that there was anything sinister in the apparent discrepancies between the identification requirements of demographic groups that vote Conservative and those who might still be alive in a decade.

He went on, “Voter fraud is a massive problem in countries that are not the UK. It is the first duty of government to take any means necessary to change a perfectly functioning electoral system that has never once seen any kind of fraud that changed an electoral outcome.

“But we also want to ensure that elderly people who have so far just voted Conservative by providing nothing more than a name and address are not turned away on election day.

“As such, we are allowing rock solid forms of ID such as bus passes, golf club membership cards, golliwogs, commemorative plates of royal events or an aggressive declaration that the most important element of the 1943 Dambusters raid was the name of a dog.

“But it’s ludicrous to say we have made things difficult for young voters. All you need as an under 30 is an apostilled birth certificate, a passport issued after March 2023, a character reference from your former housemaster and a proof of address countersigned by a notary.

“What’s so hard about that?”

Always vote for the site with the fewest arseholes – get the T-shirt