Panic as economic crisis puts homes at risk of being affordable

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As the market conditions caused by the government’s mini-budget continues, some financial experts are warning of the very real danger that house prices could tumble to the extent that a nurse or a teacher might be able to buy one.

Leading economist Professor Simon Williams explained that seeing houses priced as essential lodgings instead of a cryptocurrency with windows could endanger the UK’s economy.

“I know some of your readers might see a 15% drop in house prices as a ‘good thing’ but you have to remember that for the past 30 years the bulk of the UK’s GDP has been generated by wealthy people selling houses to each other. Take that away and we have the same economic output as Croatia.”

Professor Williams also highlighted the social implications of a sane housing market.

He went on, “We have an entire social hierarchy built solely on the belief that you have ‘made it’ once you own a house, regardless of how terrible your life is. This is why you will see homeowners feeling superior to the council tenants living in exactly the same house as them on the same street.

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“It’s also vital to keep our various shitholes populated. Do you think anyone would live in Uttoxeter if it wasn’t for the house prices?

“Basically, Brits will put up with no end of NHS queues, drops in police numbers, cancelled bus routes, closed libraries and rises in living costs as long as you tell them their cramped red-brick house in some drear commuter town is worth half a million quid.

“Losing that delusion would be a bigger psychological shock than making them realise their ‘semi-detached’ is actually just half a house.”