The Conservative party is once again divided by the traditional rift between those who want to see the country ravaged by endless disastrous blunders and those MPs who prefer to see average Brits put through the ringer by sadistic sociopaths.
Simon Williams, one of the key figures in the camp dubbed ‘Team Fuckwit’ by the press, was adamant true conservatism is always about reasonably benign intentions causing horrific damage through sheer cretinism, and that many candidates could fulfil that role.
He went on. “Of course, the first name that springs to mind is Nadine Dorries, but Grant Schapps should not be discounted and don’t forget Chris Grayling is still seen as the GOAT when it comes to being thick as two short planks.
“Personally, I am excited to see new names being thrown around in the search for a gaffe-prone dimwit to wreck the country. How about Lee Anderson, that moron who thinks you can feed a family for 30p a day? He looks like he could have a bright future as someone capable of doing awful things through complete and utter incompetence.”
In Team Bastard, Amanda Tinnock MP supported a direction change whereupon the UK would be devastated not by accident, but by design.
She explained, “The bumbling toff causing a famine is the politics of yesterday. What we want now is someone like Priti Patel or Jacob Rees-Mogg ruining lives just because they get off on seeing poor people suffer. For my money, Jacob is the real deal. He would burn Grenfell Tower a second time just to warm his hands.”
However, some party grandees have been putting forward the idea of a compromise candidate with Suella Braverman being increasingly lauded for being both a maliciously cruel bitch and a complete windowlicker.