Calais Gendarmes tell UK that buying each of them an iPhone 14 is absolutely essential to catching migrants

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Suella Braverman’s decision to pay French police £60 million to stroll on beaches was welcomed by the rank and file in France who diligently made lists of vital anti-smuggler equipment like jetskis, Omega Seamaster watches and 40 kilos of frozen langoustines.

Speaking from behind the wheel of his new Renault Alpine service car, Commissaire Simon Guillaumes explained that the French government was not exploiting the British government’s pathological xenophobia to fund a whole policing district for an entire year.

He explained, “We are as dedicated as you to protect your old voters from seeing brown people. Beach patrols? We will increase them by 40% especially when it’s nice and sunny and we have a fitness review coming up.

“And it will be those foot patrols that make good photos for your tabloids, but that smugglers love because it makes our manpower slow, predictable and easy to avoid.

“So of course we need specialist equipment. It’s well known that people traffickers are terrified of police officers who have just done a fortnight’s training at a resort in Antigua. Or knowing that every cop on the seafront is well-fed thanks to the complete set of Le Creuset pots your taxpayer has just bought every cop in Calais. The blue ones, by the way.”

Commissaire Guillaumes did warn that halting the small boats would be a long, drawn-out process.

“Yes, you are in for the long haul. This will take many years of you paying us for a problem that is mainly due to your own insular paranoia. Many, many years and lots and lots of gadgets.

“Whatever you do, don’t open an asylum processing centre in northern France like our government has asked you to do for years. No, just keep sending us money. Thank you.”