Royal College of Nursing defends industrial action with promise that striking nurses will clap for patients

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The Royal College of Nursing has denied that a huge strike, to protest the insulting below-inflation pay raise offered by the government would harm vulnerable people; as they gave their word all their members would step outside their front door and clap which apparently makes everything fine.

RCN General Secretary, Simone Williams, told the media that since clapping was apparently a decent substitute for a decent pay rise, then it will surely be just as efficient at replacing the unquestioning and professional care its members provide.

She went on, “We don’t want to take industrial action, and no nurse likes the idea of leaving hospitals bereft of staff, but since we’ve decided that easy sentimental gestures are a reward in itself, then patients will surely benefit from the knowledge someone is vaguely thinking of them.

“Who needs an IV bag changing if you got a nice round of applause from some strangers?”

However, Nurse Williams did give a strong word of warning to NHS patients that support policies that hurt her members.

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“We know who you are. You’ll come in and call us angels, but it doesn’t take long to find out you vote for the clowns that ended our bursaries.

“What we should do is refuse you entry and tell you to rely on the fictional stiff upper lip to treat your glaucoma. Or let you writhe in pain until you recite a speech by Aneurin Bevan.

“But we won’t. Instead, we’ll do our utmost best to keep you alive and heal you. Even if it costs us our lives like it did hundreds of our colleagues during the pandemic.

“So f**k you, your reactionary beliefs, your hypocrisy, your stupidity and your sodding claps.

“But we’ll be there when you need us. Because that’s who we are.”