Saturday 17 September 2022 by Arabin Patson

Nan you haven’t visited in months delighted that you’ve queued 16 hours for someone else’s grandmother


Nan glad you went to see Queen

Your Nan has told other residents at her care home that she’s really proud of how you braved fatigue and sleeplessness to commemorate another person’s gran that you never met, even though you haven’t driven the 15 miles to see her since your last visit in March.

Maud Williams, 87, explained why she maintains you haven’t forgotten about her and how, in a way, your thoroughly Instagrammed ordeal to see the Queen lying in state shows you have a caring heart inside you.

She went on, “My grandson, Simon, is such a good lad. He’s very busy with his part-time job so of course he can’t see me that often, but he does call to check up on me and just have lovely chats about whether my house is a freehold, and if I’m absolutely sure that my late husband didn’t collect coins.

“I’m so proud he went to see the Queen and took so many photos of himself looking dignified in that long queue.”

“It must have been nerve-wracking for him to drive all the way to London as his car sometimes won’t start which is why sometimes he has to cancel his visits so often.

“I don’t mind. I get to put on my nice dress and the staff here prepares me a tea and biscuits platter that I share around after I spent half the afternoon staring hopefully at the car park. The tea’s cold, but at least it doesn’t go to waste.”

Although your grandmother somehow still thinks you’re lovely, the staff at her care home confirm they all think you’re a callous little shit who could at least put his phone down on the rare occasions he can be fucked to visit.

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