The unvetted mob of crooked thugs and rapists that have somehow been given warrant cards reluctantly agreed that there was an endemic problem in the police of constabularies making supportive tweets during Pride and coppers looking a bit silly when dancing in public.
DCI Simon Williams, who is living proof that two convictions for animal cruelty do not need to end your dream of being a bobby, took a break from selling crime reports of celebrities to the tabloids and explained why the rank and file finally admitted they needed to change.
He explained, “Let’s be clear. It’s got nothing to do with that report just published by His Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary and Fire & Rescue Services which states the ranks of British cops are full of criminals who wouldn’t pass a basic background check to work as a dinner lady.
“Nor is it to do with the same report explaining that sexism is so enmeshed with canteen culture that making rape jokes is basically how cops greet each other nowadays.
“Coppers are an open-minded bunch and recognise that public outrage demands action. So we are going to immediately sanction any cop who takes a selfie with a celebrity or does an awkward side-to-side shuffle when someone twerks in front of them at a festival.
“Crime is going up, and there is only one way to stop that. No. it’s not making it an immediate sackable offence to use crime databases to look up pretty but vulnerable women. Neither is it making it a duty to report social media exchanges that clearly show another cop is horrifically racist or has a psychotic hatred of women. I mean, of course, the stopping and searching of any black men that cross our path.”
“Oh, and guns. Can we have guns?”