The Home Office has issued a statement explaining there was nothing hateful in Suella Braverman smashing a bottle of Lambrusco while watching the RNLI bring in rescued migrants and pointing the jagged edge at the boats while screaming she’d “f**king cut the lot of you!”
Simon William MP, junior minister for Don’t Ask Me How I Sleep At Night, explained that his boss was not encouraging stigmatisation of migrants and that making throat-cutting gestures to scared children in Manston Camp was “just common-touch rhetoric”.
He went on, “It’s easy to say that calling migrants invaders and then swanning in on a military helicopter is part of a deliberate strategy to turn asylum seekers into a mortal enemy that we are morally allowed to harm as we wish. But the truth is that this is just the chattering classes spitting their tofu out and being insanely hyperbolic.
“Honestly, you wouldn’t believe what the Guardianistas have been calling us. Fascists, thugs and even nazis. Nazis!
“Think about it, would nazis choose to put on black shirts, demonise a group based on their origins, put these people in camps that are blatantly too overcrowded to meet basic human needs and then mask their incompetence and inhumanity with military rhetoric? See, that’s how ridiculous the wokerati really are.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do. Suella wants Border Force to have some sort of arm gesture to greet each other that will boost camaraderie. Got to come up with proposals. Any suggestions?”