Despite a concerted effort by CCHQ to save his career, Gavin Williamson has resigned his Cabinet Post, claiming he did not wish for stories of his bullying to be a distraction, and citing a wish to dedicate himself more fully to being an odious little shit.
His resignation letter reads, “It is with great regret that a few minor incitements to suicide have been maliciously seized upon by the press and linked to a long history of abusive behaviour.
“It’s time to focus on me, and maybe do all those little things that I let fall by the wayside as work stole time from me. Simple things like screaming abuse at service employees who are clearly having a bad day as it is. Or just taking a long walk past some homeless people and spitting on a fiver before dropping it to the ground.
“I’d also love to rekindle some old wankery from my youth. Calling pub employees ‘barkeep’ or asking them lots of questions about the provenance of obviously industrial beers when there’s a massive queue. Do they still have jukeboxes? I used to put £10 quid in and play Whitesnake’s Here I Go Again on a loop for three hours at a time. Classic!
“I’m also excited to try new ways of being a vile little clagnugget. The social media wave sort of passed me by as I was too busy weaselling and backstabbing my way up the Tory ranks. But I understand that it’s a wonderful petri dish for nasty little pricks like me.
“I’m already following Elon Musk.”