‘Nadhim Zahawi is right, British nurses using food banks is the only thing stopping my conquest of Ukraine’, confirms Vladimir Putin

author avatar by 2 years ago

Nadhim Zahawi’s controversial statement, that NHS staff should accept a drop in living standards to defy Putin, was validated by the Kremlin after it explained how the key obstacle to Russia’s winter offensive was a midwife in Poole forced to take out a payday loan to fix her boiler.

Colonel Semyon Vilyamov, a spokesperson for the FSB, admitted that the chair of the UK Conservative Party had accurately highlighted how the personal finances of British medical staff was the driving factor in all Russian military planning.

He went on, ”Your minister without a job is correct. Should English nurses and paramedics refuse to accept an effective 6% pay cut, then we are confident that we can seize Kyiv within a fortnight.

“I know armchair generals think the ability to complete an invasion would be a question of supply chains, tactics, competent leadership and the morale of Russian soldiers. But it turns out that your Mr Zahawi is correct, the crucial part of our winter offensive is knowing whether an ambulance driver in Kettering can afford to eat out once a month.

“Oh, and cold horses owned by politicians. If you British imperialists get sloppy and allow an MP’s stables to get chilly, then I promise you that you’ll see Z-painted tanks rolling down Oxford Street. Unfortunately, your side still has brave heroes who will never let that happen.”

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Boosted by the confirmation of his geopolitical analysis, Mr Zahawi released a statement to the effect that any homeless person that tried to avoid freezing to death was worse than a terrorist.

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