Keir Starmer masterfully puts to bed ‘Mr Bland’ image by getting all sides to hate him

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In a candid interview with the Mail on Sunday, the Labour leader succeeded in uniting a divided nation as Brexit saw him as devious and untrustworthy whereas Remainers saw him as breaking his promises and pandering to racists.

Europhile and distinguished intellectual, Professor Amanda TInnock, interrupted her charity work with orphaned kittens to explain how she was unlikely to vote Labour based on Mr Starmer’s repudiation of free movement. 

She explained, “Being a better class of human, I naturally want to rejoin the EU, but I understand that that may never happen. However, rejoining the Single Market seems quite possible. All Keir has done with this announcement is alienate people like me. People who still worry about the purity of Brexit in 2022 won’t vote for him even if he promises to personally garotte Stop Oil protesters.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, because all remainers are awesome, I’m very close to curing cancer so I have to get going.”

This view was confirmed by Mail readers. Emerging from the dank cavern where he beats his wife, leave voter and retired traffic warden Simon Williams took a break from writing anonymous racist death threats to explain he was not swayed by Keir Starmer’s declaration.

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He explained, “As a bigot who has been cretinised by decades of fruit machines and watching ITV, I have been easily manipulated into thinking Labour is plotting to get Muslim trans people to convert HNS nurses to communism. One interview won’t change that. Anyway, I’ll vote for whoever those fat angry men on TalkRadio tell me to vote for.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to kick stray dogs because that’s what Leavers do in real life.”