The government suffered another embarrassment after it was discovered that the Home Secretary’s fiery speech was actually the result of a paperwork mix-up which resulted in her reading out loud from a printout of lyrics made for her Patriot Warrior karaoke night.
Simon Williams MP, junior minister for Getting Asian Women To Say It Because We’d Be Nicked If We Did, said that the confusion was unfortunate but to be expected as “Suella’s got a lot on her plate now that she has to be careful with emails.”
He went on, “It’s actually a pretty funny story when you think of it.
“Suella organises these karaoke evenings, but most apps don’t have the songs she likes because… well, reasons. So anyway she has to hunt down an instrumental on Youtube and print out the lyrics. These lie around the office, so she must have picked them up by mistake on the way to the Commons.
“Imagine our surprise when our carefully crafted speech, about the UK being a welcoming nation but a nation of rules and how we sometimes get overwhelmed by the world’s misery, was replaced by blatantly far-right slogans that make more sense if you end them with ‘Oi!’.
“I’d put in a few things myself trying to blame the EU for the boats but hailing the work of the RNLI, but all I heard was the kind of drivel spat out by skinhead berks who have moonstomped themselves into clinical cretinism.
“Still, it seems Suella’s pretty happy with the result, so she’s organising one of her themed parties. Anyone got a Fred Perry shirt and a bomber jacket I could borrow?”