The world cup final between France and Argentina has left English football fans hesitant over who to cheer for as both teams represented significant historical and emotional antagonism for the English that their counterparts are blissfully unaware of.
While fat men with George crosses in their social media profiles argued over who they hated most, in Buenos Aires, resident Jimon Guillermos confirmed that no one in his nation has seen England as a serious rival for decades.
He told us, “Are you guys still harping on about the Maradona hand thing? You know he’s dead, right? The truth is that we don’t give you lot much thought. Being South American, our big football rival is Brazil.
“As for the chants, why would you evoke the Malvinas war during a football match? It’s a sport and has nothing to do with a tragic war which cost thousands of lives. You guys really need more hobbies. Try tango dancing.”
In Paris, municipal employee Simon Guillaumes took the time to answer questions about France and England’s historical enmity despite being hoarse from the previous night’s cheering.
He said, “Our ancient what? Sorry, but why do you think we care about a national team who hasn’t been in a World Cup final for two generations?
“Yes, I saw that weird billboard on the Champs Elysees of England players saying French words. We all thought it was an advert for Duolinguo. Was that supposed to antagonise us? You poor things.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to decide who to invite to my World Cup final dinner party. Yes, it’s a thing, but don’t worry, it’s not something you’ll ever have to concern yourself about.”