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Newly appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer, Comrade Hunt, surprised the business world by declaring himself against the core element of capitalism; the provision of funds by investors in the hope of future gains.
Speaking at the newly renamed Rosa Luxemburg Bureau at 11 Downing Street, the radical communist led his staff in a rendition of Bella Ciao before explaining his vision of a society where wealth only comes from true production and not speculative value.
Hunt told parliament, “This is a clear message to the mercantilist bourgeois caste of the Labour Party. Capitalism is dead!
“From now on, we will move away from the failing model of people borrowing to acquire appreciating assets or to set up enterprises then rewarding loaners with a percentage of the profits, equity or a fixed gain on the original loan.
“Growth can only come from the workers producing goods according to national plans set by the representatives of the proletariat.”
“Under the leadership of Helmsman Sunak, all loans and investments will be banned. No more mortgages, shares or government bonds. We will achieve true growth with agrarian communes and industrial quotas. There will be no more talk about GDP or house values. The rootless cosmopolitans will be sent to farms and factories for rehabilitation.
“Those who want wealth can harvest more wheat, smelt more iron or dig more coal than others. And they will be greatly rewarded with patriotic operas in their honour or perhaps by having a submarine class named after them.”
Comrade Hunt ended his speech by announcing the formation of the Blue Guards, a youth group replacing the now-abolished Young Conservatives whose function was to root out splittist running dogs and anyone using recent lexical additions to cockney rhyming slang.
The Cabinet of Arseholes – Jeremy Hunt edition!
