Tabloid journalists have chosen to mourn the passing of Queen Elizabeth by maintaining a sad but dignified composure when relentlessly stalking her offspring in an attempt to display their most intimate secrets to bored gossip junkies.
Simon Williams, a senior reporter for the Sun on Sunday, took a break from trying to plant a camera in the office of Princess Eugenie’s gynaecologist to confirm that he and his colleagues were heartbroken to see the Queen pass.
He went on, “Elizabeth has been the only monarch I have known, and professionally, she has been a big part of my working life. From those halcyon days of bugging her son’s phone to more modern media methods like inciting a racist twitter mob against the wife of her grandson, I’ve seen how her reign supported our profession through thick and thin.
“Naturally, we are keen to show our sorrow and our respect for such a great monarch. Personally, I will be wearing a black armband when bribing a Royal Protection Squad cop for reports on who’s hit the bottle to cope with the grief.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, a paparazzi tells me he’s got a shot of a distraught Prince William trying to explain ‘death’ to a frightened Princess Charlotte. I know that from her place in heaven Elizabeth would want me to splash that private tragedy on a front page next to a story of a footballer getting blown by a Love Island contestant in a taxicab.
“God bless her.”