After Wetherspoons declared its intention to reopen some of its pubs in June, die-hard patrons of its establishments have, within days, even minutes, of lockdown, recreated the ambience in their dank lifeless sheds, ensuring no need for the pubs to open again.
As the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson recovers at his official country residence, Chequers, he had nothing but gushing praise for the medical staff at St Thomas’ hospital who cared for him and he promised that all NHS nurses will receive another shit pay rise to live on, it has emerged.
The nation has decided to get in on the coronavirus guidance game by designating flabby gammon detritus and faux earnest wingnut, Toby Young as a key wanker, it has emerged.
The highbrow click-baiters at the Mail Online, have clearly reflected on the social media outcry over intrusive reporting of celebrities following the tragic passing of Caroline Flack, by posting oh-so thoughtful pictures of the interior of her London apartment.
In case anyone was wondering, all men in romantic relationships can be found in their newest branch of Clintons at lunchtime, it has emerged.
42-year-old Gary Taylor only communicates with the colleague right next to him by email, behaviour that strongly indicating he also adopts his dead mother’s persona and attire when alone every night.
UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has decided that all his people want is a totalitarian government because a regular vanilla democracy that can be openly scrutinised by the independent media and held accountable to the people, is dull as fuck, it has emerged.
The government has announced it is nationalising Northern Rail, just a few weeks after telling the nation that nationalisation was nothing more than socialist nonsense proposed by a ‘magic grandpa’.
A man on the constant verge of a rage-stroke is reaching for his heart medication after seeing the trailer for ‘the Personal Life of David Copperfield,’ which he can only rationally conclude is a disgusting ‘Bollywood’ rip-off.
Chancellor, Sajid Javid has accepted that businesses will be hit by Brexit and is tackling this by ensuring “there will be no alignment” to any semblance of coherent rationality because we MUST deviate from all EU rules, obvs.
A woman who only a couple of weeks ago was gorging herself on cold pigs in blankets and boxes of Celebrations, now considers herself eminently qualified to make assessments on other people and their poor life choices, it has emerged.
Festival 2022, dubbed “festival of Brexit” will bring a divided nation together and showcase British mass deportation of non-EU Nationals and other foreigners who have fuck all to do with Brexit, it has emerged.
A father of two is tucking into his lunch of pure chocolate – courtesy of the Christmas selection boxes gifted to his children – in what he seems to believe is an earnest act of sacrifice on his part.
As the standard-bearer of impartial journalism, the BBC is scrupulously evaluating Boris Johnson’s jam-cream approach to scone eating.
Boris Johnson has pledged to ensure that 50,000 nurses will be issued with new raunchy uniforms to enable them to fulfil their only real job of attracting collective ‘phwoars’ throughout UK hospitals, it has emerged.
Shadow something-or-other Barry Gardiner is still delivering an interminably long response to a question on last night’s edition of Question Time, it has emerged.
A man who carries around more keys than a prison guard, doesn’t have a clue what most of them do, it has emerged.
A man is abstaining from all alcohol for charity and half-way through day one is already feeling the health benefits.
Well-known toilet paper manufacturer and Labrador puppy model agency, Andrex, is to publish a unique serialisation of David Cameron’s memoirs, it has emerged.
The government’s Ministry of Truth will publish an ‘updated’ version of the Yellowhammer report, which will confirm that we should brace ourselves for an unbridled sense of collective joy, respect and riches for all, it has emerged.
Number 10 strategist and ‘suspicious man in anorak’ character from every TV crime drama you’ve ever watched, Dominic Cummings, has told reporters to stop indulging the views of the rich liberal elite over Brexit and instead gauge the opinions of salt-of-the-earth mega-rich leavers who have no agenda and are not becoming exponentially richer over the crisis.
A five-year-old is sighing a deep breath of relief after his last visit to one of the three National Trust properties he’s frequented on rotation for the past six weeks, it has emerged.
After Boris Johnson promised to step-up efforts to secure a deal before the Brexit deadline, the EU has responded by appointing mercurial nimrod, Eric Cantona as their new chief negotiator, because that seems about right at this stage.
Her Majesty the Queen was visited at Balmoral by Leader of the Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg and he acted like a bit of a psycho, it has emerged.
The Daily Mail readership is on the verbal march again, indignant at the news that new 50p coins, featuring Peruvian immigrant, Paddington Bear have entered circulation.
VAR was used in the Premier League for the first time this weekend and many fans have revealed that it’s nowhere near as rewarding as howling abuse and questioning the parentage of an actual human referee.
Tory leadership hopeful, Boris Johnson nailed it with Northern Irish Tory party members by explaining the success of Brexit in terms they would understand by deploying the apt analogy of green-suited leprechauns finding the gold bounty at the end of a rainbow.
Concern for the growing lack of sock usage amongst men as old as 35, has led to the launch of a campaign to both spread knowledge of the existence socks for feet and to de-twattify an entire class of men who aren’t wearing any.
Netflix has announced it will raise its fees for UK customers, a fact that Simon Williams from Hastings couldn’t give two fucks about, as long as they don’t mess around with his ex-girlfriend’s password settings, so he can keep using her subscription for the third straight year in a row.
Brexit supporters are getting seriously hacked off about being labelled racists when there is absolutely zero evidence that any of them are, apart from the ones telling Asian MEPs to ‘go home’.
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