VAR ruining joy of abusing and threatening a real person, insist football fans

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VAR was used in the Premier League for the first time this weekend and many fans have revealed that it’s nowhere near as rewarding as howling abuse and questioning the parentage of an actual human referee.

Supporters’ groups fear that preventing fans from offloading the misery of their mundane lives and mediocre achievements, by screaming at a man they don’t know for making un-checked ropey decisions that have no material consequences to their life in any way, is a worrying development and may even trigger calmness and a more cordial environment at games.

One such supporter said, “I don’t ask for much on a Saturday. Just to get arseholed in bars where I can legitimately leer at girls that are the same age as my daughter, before watching the team I’ve supported since before I was born, and to scream at overpaid young men not playing as well as I think I could.

“But most importantly, being able to threaten all forms of physical harm and dismemberment towards the referee for making decisions that adversely affect my team’s progress, even the correct ones.

“Waiting for the referee to make a right howler, justified me spending the rest of the game screaming hideous ways in which I wished to maim him and his firstborn, before venting my increasing frustration in a post-match rampage, by punching a police horse and inexplicably doing a Nazi salute.

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“Now, when a referee makes a howler, just as my internal gammon heads up the DEFCON levels, VAR steps in and the referee reverses his decision. How can that be right, for fuck’s sake?

“So, what now? Enjoy a game of football played fairly, not get annoyed and just be ‘mild-mannered Alan, who wouldn’t hurt a fly,’ like I am in the office?

“Woo-hoo. Thanks for nothing, VAR.”