Boris Johnson has pledged to ensure that 50,000 nurses will be issued with new raunchy uniforms to enable them to fulfil their only real job of attracting collective ‘phwoars’ throughout UK hospitals, it has emerged.
The policy is the cornerstone of the Conservative manifesto, and along with definitely keeping his Brexit promise this time (not like the last time when he didn’t), it is hoped it will deliver a parliamentary majority for Boris’ administration.
Johnson said, “We all love the NHS for its dedicated staff.
“When I say staff I am of course referring to our habitually randy nurses, who have long been shackled by the PC brigade’s requirement for them to wear wholly un-revealing and clinically practical uniforms as opposed to the much more desirable short pinafore dresses with fishnet tights and suspenders, which they obviously prefer.
“I just need a minute.. phhhwwoarrr!
“It is just the tonic to perk up morale in our hospitals and remind us of the good old days when the rampant totty just paraded their shapely figures around while delivering chamber pots interspersed with a bit of harmless nookie with the doctors – who were all men. Obviously.
“I also intend to introduce obligatory saxophone music every time a sexy nurse enters a ward and unrelenting innuendo at the nurses’ expense during every medical examination.
“Of course I will banish all the frumpy old ones. They will all be re-named Mildred and assigned to the morgue.
“Now if you’ll forgive me, I have a specially arranged private viewing of the new uniforms being modelled just for me. Can somebody close the curtains?
“Campaigning is such a drag,” he concluded before removing his trousers.