Thursday 30 January 2020 by Frances Ward

‘We’re nationalising Northern Rail’, explains government that spent last month insisting nationalisation was ‘Marxist nonsense’


Grant Shapps on Northern Rail nationalisation

The government has announced it is nationalising Northern Rail, just a few weeks after telling the nation that nationalisation was nothing more than socialist nonsense proposed by a ‘magic grandpa’.

Grant Shapps explained that the beleaguered rail company beset by numerous operational issues – chiefly the fact it is shit at making trains run properly – will now be brought under government control, because nationalising rail is totally cool now, apparently.

Government Transport spokesperson, Simon Williams, said, “Look, Jeremy Corbyn’s crack-pot Marxist plan to renationalise the railways was straight out of his evil manifesto ‘how to turn Britain into a vegan gulag’.

“But our plan to re-nationalise Northern Rail is totally different. Our decision is pragmatic, common sense and not the arch Machiavellian Labour plan to have Hamas running our entire transport network.

“Whereas Labour would be probably focusing on employees’ rights and unions, who would just call a strike to prevent job losses or some mental shit, we will be ensuring the shareholders of the private companies who fucked it all up in the first place are suitably compensated by the taxpayer.

“We want to make sure that they keep ticking along nicely for when we hand this all back to them in a few years’ time. You know, just in time for the next election when we once again announce that renationalisation is the evil scourge we told you it was last month.”

However, there was some dissent in Tory ranks following the announcement. Former Transport Secretary, Chris Grayling, immediately condemned the plan in an interview with a man on the street who simply asked him if he had the time.

Grayling said, “This is what happens when you let in a mad Labour government. They nationalise everything. The dirty randy commie bastards. Well, I will be personally writing to the Prime Minister, Michael Foot and making my feelings very clear.

“And no, I don’t know the time in your world. I’m Griss Crayfish and live in my own time.”

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