Woman on a health kick now thinks she’s a f*cking life coach

author avatar by 4 years ago

A woman who only a couple of weeks ago was gorging herself on cold pigs in blankets and boxes of Celebrations, now considers herself eminently qualified to make assessments on other people and their poor life choices, it has emerged.

Simone Williams 42, who a mere two-weeks ago had an all-over sheen normally associated with a high-intensity workout, but in her case was the result of a solely fried brown meat-based diet, is now on Instagram in ill-fitting lycra, dictating how to live well and achieve the perfect healthy you.

Williams said, “I remember a time when I had no self-esteem and breakfast was a bowl of Ben and Jerry’s caramel chew-chew with a jaffa cake garnish, followed by a small intense snot-cry.

“But that was literally days ago. Now I have a yoga mat, a passive-aggressive book by some hot doctor that’s sold out saying every fat prick can walk for 5 minutes, and an annoying preachiness that I’ve dialled up to eleven.

“Hence why I am now earnestly telling fat people – without them even needing to ask – how they are wretched mounds of disappointment and shaming them into placing me on a pedestal of achievement and fearless endeavour, that they have no hope of matching.

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“If I can pass on some of my wisdom from my emotionally and physically draining journey, that will be reward enough,” she said choking up.

One friend Caroline, said, “Life coach? Well, I have noticed her doing the school run in trainers and lycra and walking into town. But that was to Greggs where she ordered four steak bakes and a cream horn.

“They could have been for someone else, I suppose,” said Caroline smirking.