Tuesday 14 April 2020 by Frances Ward

Boris Johnson to thank NHS for saving his life by promising nurses a below-inflation pay rise


Boris pay rise for nurses

As the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson recovers at his official country residence, Chequers, he had nothing but gushing praise for the medical staff at St Thomas’ hospital who cared for him and he promised that all NHS nurses will receive another shit pay rise to live on, it has emerged.

Number 10 spokesperson, Simon Williams said, “We know that the country is breathing a collective sigh of relief that Boris has turned a welcome corner in his recovery and he is rightly in awe of the staff that treated him.

“The nursing staff, in particular, stayed by his side twenty-four-seven, and were the very height of professionalism, apart from the ones who were letting the side down wearing Asda plastic bags on their heads and marigolds on their hands for some reason.

“The Prime Minister will not let their sacrifice to our country go unrewarded and has already instructed the Treasury to draw up plans for a piss-poor financial pay settlement sometime next year, or whenever.

“NHS staff have been undervalued and underpaid for too long. That must change and until this virus has been contained, we will pretend that we give a toss by offering daily platitudes and writing “Protect the NHS” on lecterns that government ministers can stand behind to shrug their collective shoulders when asked hard questions.”

A Treasury spokesperson commented, “We wholeheartedly agree with the Prime Minister. The NHS staff are all fantastic and dedicated professionals working at the frontline of the fight against this virus.

“We will, of course, give them a mediocre pay rise to reflect that, at some point in the future, or whenever. Before that, we will enter into protracted discussions and then vilify them via the tabloids because of their unreasonable demands and accuse them of holding the hard-working taxpayer to ransom.

“It’s the very least we can do.”

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