Monday 2 September 2019 by France Ward

Five-year-old relieved to have chalked off last National Trust day out of the summer


Boy relieved no more national trust visits

A five-year-old is sighing a deep breath of relief after his last visit to one of the three National Trust properties he’s frequented on rotation for the past six weeks, it has emerged.

Jake Williams, 5, told, “It became pretty wearing, early doors. On the first day of summer mum came in all bouncey and tantalisingly said, ‘who wants to go on an adventure?’

“Nauseating children’s presenter voice aside, it seemed pretty intriguing. I mean, who doesn’t like an adventure?

“The reality? Utter horseshit. By adventure, what she means is some damp old house with creepy old people, who apparently work there for free and an opportunity for her annihilate a jam and cream scone while I eat a fucking cereal bar.

“Granted, there are playgrounds, but I don’t ever remember my dad going to work and dealing with office politics during his holiday.

“Oh, but sure, I’ll just stand and wait while that arsehole Noah smiles at me like a psychopath as he hogs the slide, like he does in the schoolyard.

“And mum keeps asking me if I’m sharing!

“Erm, have a word with the future CEO of an energy company that will be responsible for killing all the remaining seals.

“Don’t get me started on them I insisting on going for long walks in the forest when it’s pissing down.

“Yeah, dad I know it’s a big stick. Just like all the other big sticks. Jesus.

Jake’s mum commented, “Thank goodness for the National Trust. I mean it’s just perfect for the kids. Jake absolutely loves the play areas – he even sees school friends which is an added bonus.

“I think he prefers it in the rain. He just loves jumping up and down in muddy puddles?

Jake responded, “Do you see what I’m fucking dealing with?”

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