Monday 21 October 2019 by Frances Ward

Man has no idea what most of his keys are for


bunch of keys

A man who carries around more keys than a prison guard, doesn’t have a clue what most of them do, it has emerged.

Key weirdo, Simon Williams said, “I don’t know what the issue is here. I have exactly the correct number of keys. Yes, the lining of many a coat has gone by the wayside, but losing just one would be like the death of close relative.

“They provide the necessary balance and security when I leave the house, even though I accept that the vast majority of them open the doors to fuck knows where.

“These six look like they open some kind of shit suitcase lock. I’m a geezer so obviously I don’t own a suitcase. Just a red holdall with ‘Nike’ written in ludicrously large letters.

“The others? Err, that’s got a plastic grey bit on top. Weird. Maybe a safety deposit box. Or a file cabinet. Intriguing. That one says ‘yale’ on it. What the fuck’s a yale when it’s at home?

“Whoa, look at this bad boy. Mahoosive. It looks like, you know, ‘the key!’ As in the key to the creaky old door to a mysterious new world.

“Wait. It’s actually my parent’s shed key.

“What about these? No. No. No and another big fat, no. I assume one of them is for my front door, but god knows which one.

“Give me a few minutes and I can definitely find it though, no problem.

His wife Sarah said, “Eleven of them open the front door.”

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