Thursday 29 August 2019 by Frances Ward

Jacob Rees-Mogg is a right creepy f*cker, says Queen


Queen meets Jacob Rees-Mogg

Her Majesty the Queen was visited at Balmoral by Leader of the Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg and he acted like a bit of a psycho, it has emerged.

Rees-Mogg was sent to ask the Queen’s permission to do something she had no choice but to do, but went ‘full creep’ – even though everyone knows you never go ‘full creep’ – with some reports suggesting that he entered Balmoral Castle in tears whispering, ‘I’m home, mummy’.

Palace spokesperson, Simon Williams said, “He initially presented himself like one would expect from a government minister – albeit one from 1825 – but once in the presence of Her Majesty, things took, shall we say, an unorthodox turn.

“When introduced, rather than the standard discreet nod, like the other nondescript government minister managed, he did some full-on weird flouncey bow and extended arm-waft sort of thing. Yuck.

“If that wasn’t bad enough, he just stood in that same pose, staring at the floor throughout.

“The Queen looked at me and mouthed, ‘what the fuck?’ She couldn’t think of anything to say, so she just said ‘arise’ and shrugged her shoulders.

“But, the mentalist wouldn’t. He said something about needing to remain both constitutionally and physically lower than her at all times.

“He then produced a scroll and started talking with a long, slow drawl, insisting on using Her Majesty’s full title and whenever referring to her.

“As in, ‘your Majesty, Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and of her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith’.

“Jesus. Prince Philip just stood at the window pissing himself.

When he eventually finished, the Queen said ‘yes,’ – obviously – and held out her hand to him. He let out a high-pitched yelp and passed out.

The Queen just left saying, “what a fucking week”.

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