Man ‘going sober in October’ already feeling the health benefits

author avatar by 5 years ago

A man is abstaining from all alcohol for charity and half-way through day one is already feeling the health benefits.

Although, like every other person who doesn’t chug on a bottle of vodka for breakfast, Simon Williams would not have consumed any alcohol by lunchtime on a Tuesday, he claims to already be feeling 10 years younger.

He said, “I honestly feel terrific. I mean, look at me. Right?

“This morning, I had a double chin and a muffin top. Now you could open a bottle of non-alcoholic beer on that chiselled bad boy, and check out these abs? Welcome back fellas.”

“I can’t believe I haven’t done this before. I might go for a run after work now that I’m so fit.

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“I’ve already changed my Facebook profile to the Macmillan logo to ensure everyone is aware they are all alcoholic dickheads whilst also giving them the opportunity to comment on how selfless and worthy I am.

“I mean, we are all such close friends, after all.

“Right, what should I have for my dinner? I actually quite fancy a salad. Cool. I can eat it while I read my copy of Men’s Fitness, a magazine that I’ve never heard of before today.

“You know, I think I’ll buy a bike on the internet and sell my car, while I’m at it. I’m off the booze and saving the environment! Go me!”

Macmillan spokesperson said, “We’re really, really sorry. They’re all like this. Please just concentrate on our very worthy cause.”