Friday 30 August 2019 by Frances Ward

F*ck it, let’s send in Cantona, says EU


eric cantona

After Boris Johnson promised to step-up efforts to secure a deal before the Brexit deadline, the EU has responded by appointing mercurial nimrod, Eric Cantona as their new chief negotiator, because that seems about right at this stage.

The UK is sending over Brexit negotiators twice-a-week next month, to negotiate a deal that has already been negotiated, so Brussels officials think it would make perfect sense – with the added benefit of being absolutely hilarious – to unleash human acid trip, Eric Cantona to meet with them.

EU spokesperson Simone Wilhelm said, “Cantona encapsulates the state of the UK right now – a former icon and world-renowned behemoth now reduced to a ranting whack-job with a wizard’s beard and thousand-yard stare.

“The UK are now turning the dial up to eleven, so to speak, so we think Eric Cantona is the only person on their wavelength.

“Eric is really enthusiastic – well, he said ‘oui’ with no discernible change of facial expression before resuming stasis.

“We have received a message that he is flying into Brussels sometime last week, on one of his family of seagull-dragons that he has been growing in a decommissioned nuclear facility.

“It is going to be brilliant – He said that he is personally willing to be the alternative arrangement to the Irish backstop.

“Cantona will do all the customs checks. In his mind. I can’t wait to see the faces of the UK negotiators. We should sell tickets.”

A UK Brexit negotiator said, while adopting a silly foreign accent, “but there are no alternative arrangements that exist.

“How silly must the EU feel right now?”

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