The government’s Ministry of Truth will publish an ‘updated’ version of the Yellowhammer report, which will confirm that we should brace ourselves for an unbridled sense of collective joy, respect and riches for all, it has emerged.
The original – that predicted potential no-deal consequences that would have made George Orwell go, ‘Jesus fucking Christ,’ – will be consigned to the memory hole because it is now considered by the government to be wholly unreliable, having been published over four and quarter weeks ago.
Report author, Simon Williams said, “Yellowhammer is, like, so out of date. I mean, I totally can’t even remember writing it. I was *reads from script* going through a number of personal problems and associated reliance on alcohol, which rendered me temporarily insane.
“Public disorder, delays at ports, disruption to fuel supplies, ‘significant’ energy price rises, ‘severe extended delays’ to medicine supplies, shortages of fresh food, clean water, supermarket price rises and panic-buying.
“Just saying it out loud is terrifying. I mean, as in, how batshit loco I clearly was.
“But the new one is totally correct and not even a projection. I can see into the future, but not in a menacing or psychotic way. Oh, and thank you, yes I am much better now and had possession of all my faculties when I wrote this one.
“I can confirm that the UK will be like living in a permanent coke advert – and I don’t mean the white stuff, although there will obviously be an abundance of illicit substances when border checks go to shit – I mean work better than they have, ever.
“It is going to be a massive street party – the Queen’s Jubilee all over again. Think Union Jacks being worn instead of clothes, free money probably, and a renewed sense of collective understanding – and due deference for people much wealthier than us, of course.”
Simon then started laughing hysterically, “I’m so drunk right now.”