Stop talking to ‘rich Remainers’ and speak to ‘mega-rich Leavers’ instead, insists Dominic Cummings

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Number 10 strategist and ‘suspicious man in anorak’ character from every TV crime drama you’ve ever watched, Dominic Cummings, has told reporters to stop indulging the views of the rich liberal elite over Brexit and instead gauge the opinions of salt-of-the-earth mega-rich leavers who have no agenda and are not becoming exponentially richer over the crisis.

The chief adviser to the Etonian space hopper and self-appointed spokesperson for the common folk, firmly believes that reporters should ignore the elitist rants of democracy-denying-snowflake-Westminster-bubble inhabitants and take the pulse of ordinary people, by visiting their multi-million-pound townhouses in central London or their in-laws’ castles instead.

One such ordinary person, Simon Williams said, “He’s right. I’m a leaver and no reporter has ever asked me my views. Admittedly, media access to my heliport is restricted, but if they seriously wanted to gauge the views of ordinary folk like me all they have to do is wait until I get home. An when I say ‘home’, I mean my chateaux in France, obviously.

“For example, I will be at one of my other nine homes tomorrow. Probably the one in Monte Carlo when I’m sure I can fit in an interview between playing baccarat and snorting pure Colombian white off a supermodel on my berthed yacht.”

Another leaver, Helen Hatton-Mills said, “People just want their country back so business owners – like me – can take advantage of the huge opportunities outside the EU by shredding my entire UK workforce before moving my operations to deforested parts of the Amazon.”

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One of her employees also said, “I work for Helen Hatton-Mills. She is one of the reasons I voted leave. A true British patriot who will be able to grow the company without the shackles of European red tape.

“I even heard she is looking at branching out into South America. Brilliant. The future is looking bright, indeed!

“Yellowhammer, shmellow hammer.”