Friday 14 February 2020 by Frances Ward

Men in relationships heading to Clinton Cards at lunchtime


Clinton Cards

In case anyone was wondering, all men in romantic relationships can be found in their newest branch of Clintons at lunchtime, it has emerged.

One such man, Simon Williams, 34, had fleetingly considered purchasing both a card and gift well in advance of today – well, on Monday – but was obviously distracted by a sadistic video from a Japanese game show doing the rounds on his five-a-side team’s Whatsapp group.

Williams only remembered again last night when his girlfriend, Julie informed him that she hoped he hadn’t ‘gone crazy’ with a knowing smirk and wink suggesting the exact opposite.

Williams’ coy smile retort was the essence of romantic mystery, belying an inner stomach sink of a man who knew there was fuck all he could do about the fact he had bought fuck all.

So, after leaving for work annoyingly early this morning, Williams has joined his kindred spirits in Clinton’s, this lunchtime, all of them vying to buy the least shit card left amongst the detritus of pretty shit cards.

Williams said, “It absolutely reeks of betting shop guilt in here. It’s worse than perusing a porn purchase, I assume.

“Christ, what have we come to? Okay, it’s either two penguins holding flippers, or the naked man one with a hole where his knob should be. Wait, am I meant to put mine through there?

“Yeah, right. Penguins it is. Hey, mate? Mate? That’s mine. Shite.

Julie, said, “I didn’t get any flowers at work, so he must have something REALLY big planned for tonight.

“It’s okay, I know he’s in Clinton’s. I’ve been with the prick long enough.”

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