Wednesday 1 April 2020 by Frances Ward

Toby Young granted new lockdown freedoms after being designated a ‘key w*nker’


Toby Young given Key Wanker status

The nation has decided to get in on the coronavirus guidance game by designating flabby gammon detritus and faux earnest wingnut, Toby Young as a key wanker, it has emerged.

The decision was made to appoint Toby Young as a principal wanker, as he is now officially named, to shore up the resourcing for the nation’s newly created directorate of wankers, dickheads, asshole blowhards, and cunty douchebags.

Socially distant member of the nation, Simon Williams said, “We are ensuring that unpleasant individuals who can’t help themselves but double down on their vileness are designated as essential assholes and pricks because let’s face it, they won’t stop, and we’re bored off our tits.

“So, yes, when we’re not virtually doing Joe Wicks and coming to the slow realisation that primary school teachers have clearly just downloaded shit off Twinkl, we are designating key wankers, key dickheads, key asshole blowhard, and key cunty douchebags.

“Toby Young’s toe-rag credentials made him a clear choice. Piers Morgan was surprisingly not considered at first, because of his initially measured commentary on the coronavirus issue, but he has been appointed as a senior asshole blowhard after his ranty tendencies have since taken over once again.

“We have also learned that GMB’s Dr Hilary has also successfully applied for him to also become a cunty douchebag.

“Gary Barlow and all the singing celebrities are all being processed under a sub-category of unbearably smug ball bags.

“Our list is going to outstrip the government’s key workers list by a country fucking mile.”

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