Gordon Banks glided through the Pearly Gates today and has already demoted Jesus to the second-best saver, after making a brief appearance in the Paradise reserve team.
The quaint old British saying of ‘one swallow doesn’t make a summer’ might be a right load of old bollocks within a matter of months after the government announced today that new immigration laws would extend to wildlife.
The British Deaf Association (BDA) has today confirmed that there is no longer a need for £50m prima-donna footballers to cover their mouths whenever they want to tell their manager that they need a wee-wee.
Children, nerdy adults and weirdos are in a state of mourning today, following confirmation that a body washed up on a beach in Ireland yesterday was that of DC Superhero, Aquaman.
There has been an outcry today over one Italian restaurant’s ‘ridiculous’ decision to provide customers with their own pepper mills, enabling them to season their food unassisted.
Sports scientists and statisticians are reportedly ‘baffled’ today by a sudden increase in the weight of the nation’s average jogger, which has risen from 12 stone 10lb to over 15 stones overnight.
Richard Scudamore, who will leave his role as the Premier League’s executive chairman next month, has announced that he will donate his entire multi-million pound ‘leaving present’ to help the development of the game at a base-level across England.
Following yesterday’s massacre at a Chicago hospital, shooting people is now the third most popular way to spend leisure time in the United States, being kept off the top spot only by traditional stalwarts basketball and baseball.
Following the forced resignation of Waitrose food critic William Sitwell, after he made a joke about killing vegans, the supermarket chain has sent out a warning to all staff that the same will happen to them if they dare to demonstrate a sense of humour that deviates from what they consider ‘safe’.
Brexit Minister, Dominic Raab, has today revealed that he is hoping to persuade the BBC to make an episode of Dr Who based around the story of Brexit, which will clearly explain what the Doctor would do at this point.
Following the announcement that Waitrose is to begin offering a service whereby its delivery drivers will access customers’ homes when they are out in order to put their shopping away, the firm has been inundated with applications from former criminals wanting ‘another chance’.
Theresa May today selflessly promised that Britain’s borders would be open to any foreign workers post-Brexit, providing that they had the skills that Britain needs, despite putting her own position at risk with such an announcement.
There are so many excellent dictators to choose from, but do YOU have what it takes to be in their gang?
A document leaked to the press today has confirmed that from 1st April 2019, the UK will be registered as an independent charity, with the ability to apply for funding from the likes of Oxfam, The Red Cross and Amnesty International.
Theresa May has today announced that she has decided how Brexit will pan out and that if anyone tries to sway her, she will turn the UK into a starving wasteland of spite.
A newly qualified primary school teacher, who has spent the last six years studying, whilst looking forward to teaching fun classes of perfect little angels, has taken only five days to realise that they are mainly a bunch of needy, unruly twats who hate him.
Model mum, Kirstie Allsopp, has admitted that she has removed a leg from each of her children to prevent a repeat of their ‘diabolical’ behaviour of running in for their tea last Friday night.
A man from Chesterfield who has spent the last seven years talking in detail about what he did at the weekend with people nobody has heard of, what he had for tea last night and highlighting the best deals in the local supermarket, is still under the illusion that anybody is listening to him.
A mother-in-law from Wakefield has thrown her family into turmoil by inviting her daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren around for Christmas lunch, despite it being more than four months to the big day.
A woman who was spotted at 11 pm on the streets of Newcastle last night looking like she’d been shat out of a poorly buffalo, was ‘like a princess’ when she left her house at 7 pm, her husband has confirmed.
A man from Carlisle was in a state of shock today, after he discovered that his innocent holiday photographs had been photo-bombed by a series of half-naked and beautiful, yet mischievous, women.
A man from Winchester has today confirmed that, despite loud crashing of pots and pans being washed and the sound of the dishwasher being loaded ringing through the house, he hadn’t realised that his wife was beavering away relentlessly clearing up his shit until she had almost finished.
New football experts, who are already looking forward to another brief flirtation with the game in 2022, have today declared their relief at once again being able to tell their partners to ‘turn that crap off’ and stop pretending to understand the offside rule.
Former ‘footballer’ Jason Cundy, who this week said that he can’t stand high-pitched women commentating on football matches, said that he was not being ‘unreasonable’ by forcing his wife, Hannah, to wear a device that makes her sound like Brian Blessed at home.
John Green from Preston, who has been strongly condemned by his partner for hogging the television for a month to watch the world cup, has been told in no uncertain terms that he is spoiling the viewing enjoyment of the whole family.
News of further local bank branch closures on the high street has outraged a general public who have been exclusively using cashpoints and online banking for years.
Thousands of parents across the UK have admitted that they are ‘losing their children’ to the newest craze, video game ‘Fortnite’, seemingly unaware how to switch off a games console.
Paul Dacre, who announced that he would be leaving his role as the editor of the Daily Mail yesterday is set to be catapulted back into the public eye almost immediately, with whispers that he is set to become the new Minister for Brexit.
This year’s British Awards for Infectious Diseases (BAID) is set to be dominated by comeback kings Syphilis and Gonorrhoea, following their fantastic performances to become the most improved diseases of the year, with increases of 20 and 22 per cent respectively.
The Russian government has today made a bold statement to prove to the West that it welcomes people from all walks of life without killing them, by announcing that it will decorate the Kremlin as a ‘celebration of homosexuality’ for the duration of the World Cup.
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