Burglars across Britain busy applying to work as Waitrose delivery drivers

Following the announcement that Waitrose is to begin offering a service whereby its delivery drivers will access customers’ homes when they are out in order to put their shopping away, the firm has been inundated with applications from former criminals wanting ‘another chance’.

Simon Williams, CEO of the posh supermarket chain, was today delighted that, not only would his wealthy customers be provided with a service ‘second to none’ but that he would also give those looking to build a new life for themselves an opportunity of a second chance.

He explained, “It is fantastic, although we have to be honest and say that we did not set out intending to give kleptomaniacs a second chance, it’s just a welcome side-effect that we will be able to do so.”

Mike ‘The Magpie’ McKintosh, who has spent much of the past 30 years in prison for stealing ‘bloody everything, you name it, I’ve nicked it’ has expressed a real interest in the role.

He said, “I know I’ve been a bit light-fingered before, but that’s all in the past, I’ve not nicked anything for about two months now, well hardly anything, and I think that this role would really help me prepare for a secure future.

“Very secure, if you know what I mean.”

Housewife Chardonnay Patterson, who lives in Chiswick, told us that she had absolutely no objection to strangers entering her home when she was out, regardless of their background.

She went on, “Obviously my husband works away and we’ve got some very expensive stuff around the place, which is why we’ve got security gates, a six-foot wall and a £40,000 security system.

“But, no, I can’t see any problem with a total stranger having free access through all of that, not if it means he’ll make sure the organic hummus is in the fridge when I get home. What an excellent idea.”