Straight-laced Nigella Lawson is set to replace outgoing host Prue Leith as Paul Hollywood’s sidekick on Channel 4’s long-running show The Great British Bake Off, and has insisted that she’s determined to clean up the show’s reputation, which has become famous for its double-entendres and smutty one-liners.
Emergency services were today called out to a middle-class family home in Surrey, following reports by neighbours of “shouting and a funny smell”.
Reports from the afterlife this morning have suggested that Ozzy – renowned Prince of Darkness – has been admitted to heaven against his will.
The PGMOL, the company which provides match officials for all football games in England, has admitted today that teams in the Premier League only ever lose when one of their team makes a mistake.
The mother of three children from Surrey has claimed that their special summer holiday day out to a local stately home and its well-kept gardens ‘is a day that they’ll never forget’.
A car wash boss in Essex has given his workers more than ten minutes off as a thank-you for cleaning over a million pounds of cash ‘left to him by his grandmother’.
There has been an outcry today over one Italian restaurant’s ‘ridiculous’ decision to provide customers with their own pepper mills, enabling them to season their food unassisted.
Labradors and cocker spaniels have led protests throughout Battersea this morning, demanding that breeders “get a grip of their weird perversion” of making them have sex with a variety of poodles.
A mother-in-law from Wakefield has thrown her family into turmoil by inviting her daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren around for Christmas lunch, despite it being more than four months to the big day.
A man from Basingstoke has told his mates that he is ‘well on the way to being the next Alan Whicker’ after returning from a stag weekend in Gran Canaria.
The British Deaf Association (BDA) has today confirmed that there is no longer a need for £50m prima-donna footballers to cover their mouths whenever they want to tell their manager that they need a wee-wee.
There has been an outcry today over one Italian restaurant’s ‘ridiculous’ decision to provide customers with their own pepper mills, enabling them to season their food unassisted.
He’s much too old for all of this birthday nonsense, says God
ITV2 has confirmed that Maya Jama will be the new host of reality TV’s lowest common denominator, Love Island.
There has been a rapturous reaction amongst several homeless communities this morning, following the news that they will no longer have to sleep on the streets of small, insignificant towns and will instead spend their nights under the lights of a big bright city.
The government has today announced that the egg-spattered statue of former UK despot Margaret Thatcher, erected in Grantham on Sunday, is to be officially recognised as a food bank and become a ‘key source of nutrition’ for the local community.
The government has confirmed this morning that further orders of the Pfizer vaccine have been cancelled, following a breakthrough by a small British company.
Weather forecasters have today warned that Storm Boris will carry on making parts of the UK uninhabitable for the foreseeable future, continuing to cause travel disruption, homelessness and presenting a serious threat to life.
The Guinness Book of Records has today confirmed rumours that Prince Andrew has successfully become the squeaky bum world champion, taking the record away from Sir Alex Ferguson, the former Manchester United manager who had held it for 17 years.
Zoo animals across the UK have expressed delight that humans will be able to come and see them locked in their cages, admitting that the last few months must have ‘been awful for them’.
Fiona Onasanya, the Labour MP who was forced out of the party after being convicted of lying about a speeding ticket, has today said that she is delighted that Boris Johnson hasn’t had to endure the same fate.
Planet K2-18b, which scientists say contains water and gases compatible with the presence of life, is said to be ‘absolutely cacking it’ at having been spotted by the notorious ‘human race’.
A man from Basingstoke has told his mates that he is ‘well on the way to being the next Alan Whicker’ after returning from a stag weekend in Gran Canaria.
The Houses of Parliament are currently in a state of emergency lockdown, with police and forensic teams combing the area, after an unnamed MP reported that a shred of decency had been spotted within Westminster.
Mind experts from the University of Hull have today confirmed that many people are offended on purpose and feel that their day is not complete unless they have found something to be offended by.
There has been widespread outcry across Britain over the weekend, following an announcement that a super-fast engine, which could reduce flight times between Sydney and London to around four hours, is due to undergo key tests.
Health conscious Brits, campaigning for the UK to veto any possible deal to import chlorine-washed chicken from the US, are apparently more than happy to gulp down a mouthful of chlorine washed scabs, verrucae and snot in their local swimming pool.
Reports this morning suggest that ancient soothsayer Nostradamus is to be appointed as the mouthpiece of the government regarding all things Brexit.
Scientists studying the site of a meteorite strike on Earth 66 million years ago, which destroyed the dinosaurs, have revealed that they have found a number of prehistoric, dino-polling stations in the rock.
A top-secret report, which was hacked by a schoolboy this morning, has revealed that the government is set to make a major one-off change when the clocks are due to ‘spring forwards’ in around six weeks. Rather than moving forwards by an hour, clocks throughout the UK will be moved back to 30 March 1949,
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