Planet K2-18b, which scientists say contains water and gases compatible with the presence of life, is said to be ‘absolutely cacking it’ at having been spotted by the notorious ‘human race’.
Sound bites picked up by a hi-tech audio-telescope at Jodrell Bank Observatory have allegedly heard the planet shouting ‘Oh, fuck, no, not them! Why couldn’t it have been the Deadly Denodian Destroyers from Sector 9H?’ Deep sobbing can then be heard.
Whilst the planet is actually 111 light-years from Earth, this seems to be of little comfort to it, as it has been monitoring Earth for Millennia and is aware of its reputation on the cosmic grapevine.
Horrified at the way that Earth’s dominant species has choked the planet with smoke, blown bits of it up, filled its oceans with shit and is now burning its lungs, K2-18b had been reassured that nobody would bother to invent anything remotely complex enough to discover it, unless it was a by-product of something much more deadly.
This appears to be its main worry and it is already starting to bribe a number of disgracefully savage species from outside of the Milky Way to ‘pay us a visit’ in order to protect itself.
However, Dr Angelos Tsiaras, of University College London, said that studying K2-18b would allow us to get one step closer to answering the question ‘Is the Earth unique?’.
Current scientific thinking is that the answer is likely to be ‘yes’, as it seems unlikely that the human race will not only find a habitable planet, but one that is also on its absolute last legs, choked with plastic, and populated with a species that spends an awful lot of their time and effort killing each other for fun.