Reports this morning suggest that ancient soothsayer Nostradamus is to be appointed as the mouthpiece of the government regarding all things Brexit.
An anonymous spokesperson seemed to confirm the news today, when he told us, “Before the blackest of the doors, an ancient presence will come forth, the truth of the people will he mutter, no balls or bollocks will he utter.”
The message certainly gives the impression that the government is determined to give a clearer and more concise message when it comes to communicating with the public.
However, some have said that Notty D’s ability to foretell the future is likely to cause widespread tension.
A leaked document, which is yet to be confirmed as the work of the psychic one, read, “The demon deals the cards so shifty, she’ll laugh as she fails with article fifty, her evil leaving nothing credible, there’ll be a shortage of Lurpak spreadable.”
Such statements, once in the public domain, are undoubtedly going to cause panic, not just amongst fans of the user-friendly spread, but those who fear what might be next.
Despite his political differences, Labour stalwart Dennis Skinner, who went to school with the 516-year-old fortune-teller, has surprisingly said that it is a good move by the government.
“Notty was a straight up guy at school and we can expect him to be equally straight with the public. He tells it how it is and I like that. The Tories might regret this.”
The last paragraph of the leaked report, however, was maybe the most chilling.
“The straw man who begins with C, never will the leader be, the fiercest fires destroy the bench, the gates will open to the French.”
Reports that Theresa May has bought a beret, a stripy jumper and applied for French citizenship have yet to be confirmed.