Wednesday 10 June 2020 by EssBee

Humans to be allowed out of temporary lockdown to see animals in permanent lockdown


family at the Zoo

Zoo animals across the UK have expressed delight that humans will be able to come and see them locked in their cages, admitting that the last few months must have ‘been awful for them’.

Jerry (not his real name) a giraffe confined within a zoo in the UK said that he has every sympathy with what humans had gone through since March.

“They have been so brave,” he told us this morning.

“It’s just not natural for them to be locked inside their homes, denying them access to their natural environment, such as pubs and kebab shops. I couldn’t cope with that myself.

“I appreciate that their keepers have been trying to just do what is best for them, but lots of them have died anyway, whilst many others have been separated from their families against their will.”

Penelope, a penguin in an unnamed zoo in Scotland, agreed with the sentiment of her peer.

“I don’t know how they’ve got through it,” she said, “It’s been alright for us penguins, lying here on plastic rocks in 25-degree heat, eating fish out of a bucket, because that’s what penguins do in real life. I think anyway, I’m third generation.”

Even the monkeys have missed their simian counterparts, with many simply sitting in their oversized tyres reading P.G. Wodehouse.

“It’s been a chore,” admitted Cuthbert, a 22-year-old chimpanzee who has read the whole Jeeves and Wooster series since the beginning of April.

“I’m just passing the time to be honest, one will be over the moon when the humans return and we can start exchanging excrement and urinating on their infants again.”

It is understood that the animals will be allowed out of lockdown as soon as they are dead.

I enjoyed the Great Indoors in 2020 – get the T-shirt here!

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