Labradors and cocker spaniels have led protests throughout Battersea this morning, demanding that breeders “get a grip of their weird perversion” of making them have sex with a variety of poodles.
It comes just a month after similar demonstrations claimed that dog owners were becoming ‘lazy and obese’, with many canine unions threatening to strike over poor walking conditions, and escalating the apparent breakdown in the human-canine relationship.
Pickle Williams, a 9-year-old Labrador from Clapham who led today’s protest, told us that the depravity of dog owners was threatening the pedigree of almost all breeds and creating tensions within dog families.
He told us, “It’s getting beyond a joke now. Owners and breeders are using us like some sort of furry porn channel and creating monsters.
“My half brother is a Labradoodle called Alan – I mean FFS, Alan, but that’s for another day – and, quite frankly, it’s a bit embarrassing. He feels like a freak and, if you ask me, needs counselling.
“His wife has given birth to four kids all from different dads; a Schnoodle, a Poogle, a Whoodle and a Pugapoo and I can see the look of fear in her eyes when she hears them planning the next one – a Saint Berdoodle. Let’s face it, that’s going to make her eyes water.
“We dogs can’t understand what the obsession with poodles is all about; why do you want all dogs to look like they’ve been shafted by Ed Sheeran’s teddy bear?”
When we asked Pickle how deeply these feelings run throughout the dog community, his reply was chilling.
“What people need to remember is that we are all descended from wolves, every single one of us, and at this moment, we are willing to talk. But we need to be listened to.
“If we are not, we will pee in your bed. We will destroy your sofas when we are left alone. We will drag our arseholes along every carpet until our rectums are red and sore. We will pull on the lead, bite the vet, bark all night, drip piss as we walk and saliva as we talk.
“And if we are still not heard, well, you’ve heard of Little Red Riding Hood, haven’t you?
“The message is simple – we are not your little sex playthings, we have rights and we will cause f**king chaos if you don’t respect them.
“And we don’t all fancy poodles.”