Man awards himself ‘worldwide traveller’ status after visiting the four main Canary Islands

author avatar by 10 months ago

A man from Basingstoke has told his mates that he is ‘well on the way to being the next Alan Whicker’ after returning from a stag weekend in Gran Canaria.

Simon Williams, who is still only 25, told us today that ‘what he doesn’t know about the Canaries, especially the birds, isn’t worth knowing’.

“This is the fourth time that I’ve acquainted myself with the culture of the islands and I’m sure that it won’t be the last,” he slurred.

“Over the years, I’ve been to them all; Gran Canaria, Tenerife, Lanzarote and that other one with the long name, I went there for a day on a boat.

“I know there are some other little ones, but even Whicker wouldn’t have bothered with them, they’re probably shit anyway.”

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It is believed that once Mr Williams has recovered from the stresses of his latest adventure, he is determined to dust himself down and attempt to conquer the Balearics.

“The Balearics, well, they’re a different ball-game completely, as you don’t get the year-round temperatures, and it can be dangerous if you get the timing wrong. The Canaries were tough, but to really prove myself, I need to break the Balearics.”

Mr Williams has already set his team the task of planning times, routes and equipment, with his mum, Dawn, already looking for cheap flights.

“I just can’t wait to get rid of the lazy little bastard,” she told us today.

“If I can find a cheap flight that leaves tomorrow and comes back after Christmas, I’ll be tempted to take it myself.

“I’ve heard him saying he’s a seasoned traveller and all that. Alan Whicker? Ha, don’t make me laugh. Unless Alan Whicker drank Jaegerbombs, had a tattoo of Wonder Woman on his arse and spent most Mondays at the clap clinic, then I don’t bloody think so.”