Suella Braverman considering undersea cages to hold asylum-seekers

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The government has considered constructing a number of asylum-holding cages under the sea in the English Channel.

The idea of ‘offshoring’ asylum-seekers is understood to have a great deal of support amongst the sort of people who delight in the suffering of others. Suella Braverman, Home Secretary and complete empathy vacuum, was strongly in favour of the plans.

“If people are so keen to come and live in the country, then they really shouldn’t have any problem with just waiting under the sea for a few months while their so-called applications are processed.”

It was pointed out to Braverman that humans are unable to survive under the sea due to the lack of breathable oxygen, leading to drowning and death.

“Look, we’re just asking these people to hold their breath for a couple of months, a year as an absolute maximum. If they don’t like that, then maybe they should go and seek asylum in France or something.

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“Ungrateful shits. Demanding British oxygen, but what have they ever given to this country. Nothing, that’s what. If anything, they should be grateful to live under the sea.”

When the plans were abandoned due to expense, it is understood Braverman suggested housing asylum-seekers in burning buildings, mass-graves and on the fast-lane of the M1.

The government is currently considering her suggestions.