China aims to be zero-carbon by 2060 and zero-Uyghur by 2030

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Chinese President Xi Jinping has announced that by 2060 China will no longer contribute to the world’s carbon emissions – and that by 2030 it will no longer contribute to the world’s Uyghur population.

As Xi told reporters, “Over the coming decades, our carbon emissions will disappear and never be heard from again, just like our ethnic and religious minorities.

“Our environmental policies will teach the world how to go green – believe me, we know all about ‘re-education’.”

Xi denied accusations that the ambitious carbon-neutral pledge is an attempt to make the world overlook China’s atrocious human rights record.

“Of course this isn’t just some sort of thinly veiled charm offensive! How outrageous. And by the way, have I told you how lovely you look today? Is that a new blouse?” asked Xi, offering flowers, chocolates, and baskets of fluffy kittens to reporters.

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“Almost as lovely as the Xinjiang region will be, once we finish removing all the people who have been living there for thousands of years.”

As Xi went on to explain, he expects the carbon-neutral target to be achieved easily.

“China will naturally cut its emissions, as the economy transitions from focussing on heavy industry to focussing on exporting organs harvested from political dissenters.

“If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping down carbon emissions – forever.”

President Xi’s announcement was greeted by a noise which at first was believed to be applause, but turned out to be truncheons hitting the heads of Hong Kong democracy campaigners.

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