The British Deaf Association (BDA) has today confirmed that there is no longer a need for £50m prima-donna footballers to cover their mouths whenever they want to tell their manager that they need a wee-wee.
It has become commonplace in recent times for anybody associated with the game to put their hands over their mouths every time they speak, in order to make them look very important indeed.
However, Simon Williams, a spokesman for the BDA, told us today that their members ‘couldn’t give a shit’ what football coaches and their players are saying and had more important things in their lives.
“I’m not really sure what they are up to, to be honest, they just look like there’s something wrong with them.
“If we did want to spend our lives eavesdropping on people, it would probably be to help the police break paedophile rings or to watch people acting suspiciously in airports, rather than listening to some overpaid, overgrown, whinging child tell a man his ‘leg’s a bit hurty’.”
It is believed that the families of those involved with the game will be relieved at the announcement, as the behaviour is so ingrained in many players and managers, that it affects their day-to-day lives.
For example, whilst most fans believe that former Chelsea and Everton boss Frank Lampard is simply waiting for the right opportunity to get back into the game, his wife told us differently this morning.
“Frank is currently undergoing treatment to allow him to talk normally again. It is a long process and he is now almost managing whole sentences without the need to cover his mouth. We are hopeful that, not only will he fully recover, but also that his story will make others realise that it just isn’t worth it.”
A documentary following Frank’s progress, called ‘Nobody’s watching’, will be shown on Channel 5 in the spring.