He’s much too old for all of this birthday nonsense, says God

author avatar by 2 months ago

God has today put his foot down and insisted that, despite the good intentions, Jesus is getting “far too big” for us to be making such a fuss over his birthday.

“Look, I know that you’re being nice and everything, but you’re really not doing him any favours now,” said the Almighty this morning.

“When he was a baby, it was fine to spoil him – in fact, Mary and I were so thrilled when he got that gold and frankincense for his birth. Oh yes, and the myrrh.

“But he’s over two thousand years old now, and it’s about time that he grew up. He has to realise that when you get to his age, the days of gold are well behind you and that socks are ideal for a lad who used to wander around barefoot, being all humble and everything. He would have been glad of a nice pair of socks and sandals,” lamented the Lord.

“The martyr days are long gone. ‘Oh, look at my bare feet, thorny hat and hessian underpants’ – but now? It’s all me, me, me. The stench of self-importance surrounding him these days is like a cross between Russell Brand and Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.

“And you lot aren’t helping. Having him pointing down every December and sneering that all of the trees, baubles, presents and good times are all for him is becoming somewhat tiresome.

“Then the moods start in January when it all ends. You might call it Epiphany, we call it total F**kwittery, as he huffily stamps around, then locks himself in his bedroom with FIFA until Easter.

“We try to persuade him to get back to work, telling him that the second coming is long overdue, but he just tells us where to go. It seems that he’s much too important for that sort of thing these days. He doesn’t give a shiny shit about anyone – I mean, look at the state of the place – yet you’re still singing him carols and celebrating. I don’t know where I went wrong with you.”

It’s believed that the Archangel Gabriel, who has been Jesus’ nanny for more than 1900 years now, is threatening to quit over the saviour’s immature tantrums and insistence that everything revolves around him.

“He’s an absolute little shit sometimes,” said Gabriel this morning, “I’ve a good mind to put him over my knee and knock seven shades of shite out of him. It wouldn’t do him any good, but it’d make me feel better.”

It is thought that, as most people don’t connect Christmas with Jesus at all, God’s warning will go unheeded, and he’ll be forced into sending further waves of pestilence, war, famine and death until someone listens.