Jet engine developers condemned for potentially bringing Australians ‘within four hours of the UK’

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There has been widespread outcry across Britain over the weekend, following an announcement that a super-fast engine, which could reduce flight times between Sydney and London to around four hours, is due to undergo key tests.

Prime Minister Theresa May broke away from Brexit discussions to tell reporters that ‘the last thing that Britain needs is more Australians’.

“Whilst I see that this is an important technological advancement, we must begin speaking to the Australian Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, to ensure that this innovation doesn’t encourage more of them to come over here.

“We welcome people from the EU because, at the moment, we have to. We also welcome hard-working people from other parts of the world, who will add to the economy, diversify our culture and shore up our health service.

“However, what we don’t want is a bunch of Aussies coming over to Britain with their carefree, happy attitude, lighting barbecues, drinking lager, wearing silly hats and, heaven forbid, having fun. Modern Britain is about many things, but fun most definitely isn’t one of them.”

Simon Williams, an athletic 25-year-old surfer from Sydney, broke away from his surfing tournament to tell us that he couldn’t wait for the new flights.

“It’s awesome,” he said, “just imagine that it could take me only a morning to get away from these blue skies, my beautiful girlfriend, clean air and warm sunshine and be in Clapham for a pint of warm ale and mashed potato for lunch. I might even catch a protest march or something if I’m lucky. I can’t wait.”

If the tests are successful, it is thought that the new aircraft could begin emptying Britain within the next two years.