Monday 18 March 2019 by Pete Redfern

Eurostar advise passengers not to travel to London after reports confirm it is full of miserable sods


London full of miserable sods

Eurostar has told passengers only to travel from Paris to London “if absolutely necessary”, as the place is full to the brim with bloody miserable sods.

Eurostar spokesperson Francois Guilliemes addressed French reporters yesterday, saying, “We would like to advise any passengers considering travelling from Paris to London that unless they absolutely have to for work purposes, then it is not a good idea.

“There is a real chance they might arrive there and immediately regret their decision when they find themselves stuck on the London Underground, wedged between two Britons moaning about how useless Theresa May is, or what’s going to happen next with Brexit, or the weather, or how slow the trains are running today, or one of the countless other topics for whingeing.

“And then get told to get out of the country for looking ‘foreign’.”

He added, “Then, even if they survive the transport, they might find themselves in a cafe in Shoreditch paying the best part of five pounds for a bowl of Coco Pops whilst someone with a daft moustache bores them to tears with a lengthy verbal exposition of the merits of smoking a pipe.

“Basically, it is best to wait a hundred or so years until the present political nightmare over there is resolved, and then visit London. Bits of it are nice, even if most of the people are imbeciles.”

Briton Simon Williams responded with indignation saying, “That’s not a fair reflection of London at all. We’re the nicest, most welcoming people in the country, so long as tourists obey the simple, unwritten rules of visiting London.

“Basically don’t speak in your own language or accent, don’t clutter up the pavements taking a million photos for no reason, don’t steal my seat on the tube, don’t look at me funny, don’t smile at me, just GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUNTRY JOHNNY FOREIGNE-

“Oh, I see what they mean.”

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