Government cancels Pfizer order, as Lily the Pink vaccine proves ‘efficacious in every case’

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The government has confirmed this morning that further orders of the Pfizer vaccine have been cancelled, following a breakthrough by a small British company.

Scaffold Inc. has managed to produce a ‘cheap, reliable’ vaccine that can be stored in the back of a roadies’ van and driven between pubs by a stoner in a blouse.

Senior developer, Mike McGear, has said that whilst the vaccine is ‘completely safe and effective’ it does have minor side effects that some may find ‘a nuisance’.

“There have been tests on a number of volunteers and the vaccine has remained stable and, most importantly, efficacious.

“However, of the 2,233 people tested, one gentleman, Mr Freers developed sticky-out ears, but on the plus side, he is now able to fly.”

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It has been confirmed that side effects shown by other participants included huge weight gain, the shrinking of a woman’s legs, major speech impediments and, in one case, severe hallucinations causing a gentleman to believe he was a Roman Emperor.

Matt Hancock told breakfast news this morning that he was ‘unconcerned about the amusing side effects’ and that they sounded like just the laugh that we all needed to get us to summer ‘cured and amused’.

“Let’s face it, this vaccine is cheap, effective and sounds like a right old laugh. It’s the British way!”

Rumours that Scaffold is set to re-release the vaccine to include hiccups, an amusing trip and a funny walk are yet to be confirmed.

While we wait out turn to get vaccinated, why not use one of NewsThump’s facemasks HERE!