The Guinness Book of Records has today confirmed rumours that Prince Andrew has successfully become the squeaky bum world champion, taking the record away from Sir Alex Ferguson, the former Manchester United manager who had held it for 17 years.
Guinness spokesman, Simon Williams, told us that Prince Andrew had experienced such a violent rectal throbbing last week that he invited a group of adjudicators to Buckingham Palace to investigate.
The Prince allegedly reported a huge increase in anal squeakage following the arrest of Ghislaine Maxwell and was excited that he had potentially entered world record territory.
Williams explained, “When we first heard the claim, we had our doubts, as Sir Alex had reached around 123 squeaks per minute (spm) during the 2003 title race, hammering the previous record of 89 spm held by Bill Clinton since the mid-nineties.
“However, by inserting our state of the art anal squeakage measuring device into the Royal hole, we were able to record an incredible 151 spm, something that we would have previously considered impossible, certainly without rectal damage.
“It seems the Maxwell being denied bail, and the opportunity to abscond with her many secrets, left Andrew squeaking at an even more rapid rate.”
Despite the good news, there are fears that Ms Maxwell herself is preparing a counter-claim to the record and that Andrew’s success could be short-lived. Unconfirmed reports state that she has potentially beaten the magical 175 spm theoretical limit.
“If her claims are true,” said Mr Williams, “we will have to re-write the science behind our understanding of squeaky bums because at above 175 spm it basically becomes more of a hum.”