Masks should be worn on alternate waxing crescent moons when entering buildings whose postcode adds up to a prime number, clarifies government

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Amid criticism that official guidelines on wearing masks were confusing and nonsensical, Matt Hancock explained how it was simply a matter of working out the adaptive capacity of your socio-economic category relative to a 0.8 variable on a Leichner curve.

He went on, “Frankly the opposition and the press are making this much more complicated than it seems.

“We have issued very clear guidelines for the public to follow. Please wear a face mask in any social situation where the Klintehof Effect would decrease the impact of R numbers mitigators and the air density is lower than 1.228kg/m3 at sea level.

“All you have to do to know if masks are compulsory is ask yourself three simple questions. Do I score above 68 on the relative fat mass index? Does the magnetic flux of the shop I want to enter hover between 0.9 and 1.2 picowebers? And finally, would any interaction be labelled a deuteronomistic beatification according to the precepts of the third Synod of Ephesus?”

Mr Hancock did seem quite flustered when asked if the government was being deliberately vague so as to palm off the responsibility of the UK’s shamefully high death toll, onto the public.

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“Oh for Pete’s sake! How hard can it be? Do you speak a Dravidian or Uralic language? Do you have a limbal ring or a pitted temporomandibular joint? Was the city you are currently in once subject to murage or scutage? If you answer yes to any of these then wear a mask!”

“Except during the Seollal and Chuseok festivals, of course.”

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