Premier League teams only ever lose because of us, admit referee governing body

The PGMOL, the company which provides match officials for all football games in England, has admitted today that teams in the Premier League only ever lose when one of their team makes a mistake.

Following recent outbursts by the likes of Tottenham’s level headed manager Ange Postecogolou and the always emotionally stable Mikel Arteta, manager of Arsenal, referee chief Simon Williams acknowledged today that all teams would win every game if it weren’t for them.

He explained, “I completely agree with the managers and we are utterly ashamed of ourselves. Ange’s outburst after the Newcastle game last week was entirely justified. If it wasn’t for us, both teams would have definitely won. 

“We are going to make a concerted effort for the rest of the season to listen to post-match comments by the managers and, where necessary, retrospectively change the results. If a manager is ‘the angriest they’ve ever been’ then we’ll award them the game, whereas if they are so upset they have a pet lip and look near to tears, we’ll award them the next game as well.”

It is rumoured that, to protect the fragile personalities of managers, from next season, all games will finish 2-2, and each team will be given three points.

“This will mean everyone will finish top and bottom and there’ll be no winners or losers. So it won’t matter if tactically inept managers get their arses handed to them on a plate by a better managed team, it’ll be all smiles.”

However, he did suggest one change.

“At the moment, the referee is the only person on the field who ever makes a mistake, which is looked at in slow motion multiple times until his reputation is destroyed and he is humiliated in the most excessive way.

“We suggest that, moving forwards, this applies to everyone on the pitch. So if a striker misses an open goal, a goalkeeper lets one through his legs, or a midfielder mistimes a tackle, we’ll show 100 replays and have a f**king good laugh at them. Then the referees will come out after the game and announce to the world how shit they are. See how they like it.”