Body of Aquaman washed up on Irish beach with stomach full of plastic

author avatar by 5 years ago

Children, nerdy adults and weirdos are in a state of mourning today, following confirmation that a body washed up on a beach in Ireland yesterday was that of DC Superhero, Aquaman.

Dog walkers discovered him yesterday morning, just outside of Dingle, Co. Kerry, with initial reports suggesting that he had been dead for ‘some days’.

Simon Williams, Chief of the local Garda, told us that it was a sad day, not just for Ireland, but also for the world.

“This is just another example of how we are polluting our planet, to the extent that we are destroying those who were sent to save us. This starving creature had a bottle of Cif – you know, the old Jif – lodged in his throat and that wasn’t the worst of it.”

“When we got him down to the station, we slashed him open and all sorts of shite fell out of him; fishing wire, plastic bottles and even a small, plastic model of Jeremy Corbyn. Ironically, it seems like it was a bag for life wrapped around his wind-pipe that finished him off.”

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“His lungs were full of crude oil, his colon jammed with straws and he had a figure of Wonder Woman stuck half-way up his arse, that he had obviously struggled to pass. He was a mess and it breaks my heart.”

The news comes just days after reports that Superman had been prescribed an inhaler to enable him to fly through the increasingly polluted atmosphere, whilst Batman has had to move into a small flat in Hackney, due to the bat-cave being flooded due to global warming.

Yet, despite the ever-increasing environmental issues threatening the planet, one voice continues to deny that there is a problem at all.

“This is fake news spread by the Russians, the Chinese and Fox News,” announced Captain America this morning.

“Stick with me and you’ll all be fine.”